NuISMS

That might be the question I ask myself before I start tons of stuff...be it the beginning of the day or a painting or a project. It's proceeded by an increase in heart rate and depending on the specific venture at hand, the heart rate increase attaches to either anticipation or dread...fear or excitement. This leads me to perception...my perceptions is a bit screwy and faulty, it demands my constant attention because my tragic learned default has been I am nothing, I deserve nothing, I am shit, I am a fraud and I should probably quit while before because nothing is going to turnout well for me...blah blah blah fill in the self depricatiing blank which basically boil down to you might as well shoot yourself in the face and head at the sametime, to be sure the job is done correctly, and end my misreable existance...wait what was I thinking did I want that donut or an apple? Exactly cuckoo! Or unique. Or maybe just a faulty percepture that I get to be aware of and have to work at readjusting on a daily basis, hell sometime moment to moment basis. It isn't dull that for sure. Doing my best to stay in the moment is anything but borning and it's a huge challenge, not living in the past joys or dispears or the future fantasies or nightmares - all very similar because I am robbing myself the beauty and opportunity to experience the moments I am truly present it.  The cheezy saying the gift is the present! Many of the simple clique sayings I hear these days or have heard over the years have become true'ISMS for me. New doctrines I can reexamine and apply them to my life or tweak them and reinvent them for my life and make them a version of mine.